Hello Guys! :D I hope you’re having a good day. I’m sorry if you are because I have a bad news. It may be bad for some but I think it’s good for some also. For some time, I’ve been dealing with some stuff. I know this until December 31, 2008. I continued to be strong, knowing that I’ve surpassed every problem I had. Never did I imagine that every problem I’ve been through would leave some mark all over me. This made me fight something I don’t know. I’m really not okay for about 2 months right now. Family, Study and about myself, these are the things that keep on bothering me until I surrendered and make them eat me. I can’t promise that I’ll be okay. I don’t know when I will be back or if ever I’ll be back. Anyway, let’s not make emo-emo right now. I just wanted to thank you guys for always being there and for everything. I’ll be dealing with my inner demons alone. But please don’t be worried :( Ako pa! Kawawa nalang kayo pag nawala ako no! LOL. Here are some messages I would like to impart to people who have been closest to my heart (may ganun?) I hope even if you’re not mentioned, you’ll still read these messages to let you know how great these people are and how well they really got into me. And sorry, I really can’t think clearly so I just came up with a few list of people but that doesn’t mean that I totally forgot about you guys :D Read carefully and don’t you ever shed a tear or else! I somehow made this not mellow dramatic para happy happy pa din tayo :)
To Wally ‘CHAMP’ dela Cruz,
Wow! Hello. I still hate you for leaving me here :( But I will definitely take that back if there’s an Issey Miyake perfume on your TO-DO list. Or maybe a small-sized poloshirt at Giordano, perhaps :D A size 10 shoes/sandals will definitely make me your soulmate :) LOL. How are things there? Are your co-nurses yummy? Baka naman mabantot at mukhang egoy at ulikba yan ha. I really miss you. The comfort I feel when talking to you. The times when we dealt investigations on Kuko sa Paa’s identity. The time that we watched that dull movie (kasali na pala ako sa mga pokpok sa sinehan) Just Kidding! I have a lot of things to tell you when you come back :D I’ve been down for a long while but I really can’t open this to you because I don’t want you to get worried about me. I’ll be fine (I guess so). Just make sure that you’ll be okay there and make your family’s decision in bringing you there count.
To Bon Joshua ‘Bonnie :P’ Tupas
Hey! Long time since you’ve heard from me, right? I miss you so much! Do you remember the times when I called you OLD? Do you remember the times that I liked your posts just to get the top spot on your followers? Do you remember when I meddle with you every night? Do you remember the confrontation we had about what you really are to me? Do you remember the trouble we had including gelo and benj? Do you remember the times when you leave some messages saying that you miss me doing pranks on your wall? Do you remember how I make you smile even though you’re tired from work? Do you remember when I used to flirt (laro lang) with you through text and chat? Do you remember how much effort I put into answering the questions at the Social Interview App. on facebook just for you to be happy or be touched with my post? Do you remember how happy you can make me feel when talking to you? How secured I feel. How comfortable I feel. How special I feel. Do you remember the dramatic texts and thoughts I shared with you before? Do you remember the story I told you about how you became my turning point before? Do you remember every sorry I gave you everytime I make you feel disappointed about my actions? Do you remember the times that I call your father ‘MY FATHER-IN-LAW’? Do you? I do remember those things because I know that you know that every conversation we had is engraved at my memory and it will be treasured for a lifetime! I miss you. Now, you’ll notice what the differences of our talks are when you’re here and when you’re there at NYC :( Anyway, if you still are disappointed at me at this point, I’m really really sorry. It’s just that I need you right now and I wish you can be here making me feel how special I am like before but I’m afraid I’m on my own right now. Take Care of yourself and of Papa Lukey!
To Myke Alferez,
Hi Ganda! For some time, I searched what kind of person you really are. Damn! It took so much time to find some answers. You really are one mysterious person, I guess. But into my search, I found out that you are sweet and kind :) You treasure your friends and stuff. JOKE TIMES are not what you’re really good at. I found out that that is only you’re security blanket into what you really are. I still haven’t figured that out but one day, I will. Thanks for the laughs and jokes and stories! If you come across Leo, please tell him that I really miss him and I hope he’s doing okay and one day, he’ll be truly proud of me! Take Care Maiku! I love you. LOL. Hahaha. Pati na din pala sa Campers. Tell them that I love them J And if Raecen asks you, tell him that I’m okay and I’m just having a beauty rest so no need to worry. Thanks! You’re the best!
To Kirby Gabriel ‘Papa Kirbs’ Fadriquella,
Hey there. It has been a while :) I hope you have had some good long rests. Anyway, back to my real score. I want to tell you something and maybe help you catch up on things. Remember the day when we talked over the phone? Remember how much I am curious when you said that if I read your blog, I’ll know 70% of Gab’s real personality? As we talk, there is one thing that really goes spinning at the top of my head and kept me wondering and bothered. What was it? This is really silly but I felt that I was talking to myself. I remembered the days when I was the one giving advices to my friends. And I remembered that I know what he’s saying and I think those words have crossed my mind before. I know that I’m really young but I’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen ‘the’ many dark phases of life which I thought I can never handle at a very young age. So much I can say that somehow we’re similar when it comes to dealing with life. I’ve matured enough to know these things maybe because the circle of friends I have before we’re rounding to men at middle 20’s to early 30’s. As I go through each line of your stories, I am realizing that we’ve been and faced almost the same segment in life and we somehow have the same point of view to things, and maybe that there is a part of my life hindering inside you making me realize that you and I are same people (but of course, I’m cuter :)) Kidding Aside, as I read between the lines, I am knowing what kind of person you really are and as I said I am continuing to make things clear noticing the same parts of between my past and to yours. It gave me the opportunity to backtrack and retrace parts of me that I’ve been searching for a very long time. I believe that my past holds some answers that kept hidden from my insecurities, doubts and oblivious scruples. Maybe it kept hidden because my obsession to outstand and be different triggered it to. Back then, I searched for love, reliance and attention making me a different person each day. As I know different people that took part of my life’s journey, I noticed that I need to change for their satisfaction. So as many people come and go, I continue to change for the better without my knowledge that I don’t know myself anymore, that as I change, the REAL me inside fades. I know that I’m changing for the better good of my surrounding but it didn’t really cross my mind that my thoughts are good but the choices I made were bad making me unconscious of what I am doing due to the thought that I was doing good so I have nothing to be anxious about. I really have SO MANY things to say to you because maybe you’re not getting my point but maybe now isn’t the right time. Another thing, remember when you said that maybe I was too young to get involved with these things? As I remember, I heard it before again and again from my good friends but I really never listened because of my stubbornness in believing that I’m never wrong. But you really got my attention so silence dwelled at my strident mind when you’re the one saying it. I am really happy that I chose you to open these things with. Your kindness is your charm; you are also gentle and sweet and I know that everybody likes to be around with people with that kind personality. I think people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with that kind of character are few and far between. Anyhow, I would just like to tell you that I am really happy that I know you. I am proud that you are my friend. I really owe you big. Of all the people in my life, it is you who has gotten closest toward understanding all of my characters complexities. You’re able to see past through me, through all the facades and finally into its core. You somehow know my thoughts without needing words to explain. You really are a great person and I envy your little brother because he really has a great ‘kuya’ like you :D Ahmm. Before anything else I just wanted to leave some words of wisdom. I felt that you desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the people that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because what you’re looking for is too hard to find. But as your waiting still goes, stay as you are and continue being true to yourself. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people are thinking. Okay? Please continue inspiring people, you really are extraordinary and I think I agree to what people are saying to you. If I could just give you some tight hugs right now, I would. We may haven’t seen each other but I really admire your personality. All I need now is time for myself and rebuild the shattered wall that kept me protected long time ago. I won’t be gone long, I’ll miss you and someday, I hope we can meet. I also hope that when that time comes, you’re with your life partner. I wish all the best in life. Stay young and Sexy, I mean healthy! Take Care always and thank you everything. If you want to tell me something, there’s one way you can tell those things to me. Not on facebook, not on friendster, definitely not on my phone so think :D Kung wala, LECHE KA ang haba ng message ko sa’yo tapos walang reply! LOL. I will always be at sandman’s presence :P Cornetto ko ha :D Mamimiss ko yung pagpuno ko ng notifications mo, pag kulit sa wall mo. Everything, teasing you ugly, leaving you messages on your inbox everytime I go online :) Basta! :) SMILE!
To Arlee ‘Hito’ Elizalde,
Hi. How are things there in Olongapo? How’s the search for your job? Don’t tell that you’re still doing those unimportant stuffs first. Remember that you have to study and work at the same time and also you need to help your family as well. Okay, my point in writing this is to tell you why I let you go. Don’t cry while reading this or else your make-up will be ruined. Hehehe. I let you go because I know that you should find yourself without me by your side. As much as I want to help you with your expedition, but this is much that I allowed myself to be. I love you much that I need to let you go. The pain just kills me but I will endure this toughest stretch of my life just to make you feel how strong I am for you and for everyone. I can’t make the memories just go by as easy as I said the word goodbye. The memories were but a complete bunch of joy that you had brought me, and these will stay forever in my heart. You must know that love is not how long or how short you had stayed together. Love is not how you say or you do things for someone. Love is when you are crying to sleep and waking up thinking of how you shared things with each other and you start crying again. Love is when you’re trying to pursue an impossible task of letting go just to fulfill the last favor your love is asking you to do. Love is pretending to be strong amidst the hurtful reality that inside you can’t bear the pain that’s flowing in your veins. I have loved many people; I’ve been through a lot of it - heartaches, depression, and goodbyes. But this time is not just like the rest. I’ve been dealing with the doses of love’s reality for almost 16 years but still wanting to find my half. I thought that I just hit it, but I missed it completely. I’m chasing my dream, I thought I chased it, but I lose grasp of it. There goes my dream. I can’t help but cry watching it from afar, but I know that somewhere, somehow, my missed dream will be happy, and maybe, just maybe, it will be with me, but if not, I will just be contented, that he became happy because I uttered the word goodbye. I love you much that I need to let you go. Be strong! Be proud and I know that one day, you’ll be one of the happiest men on earth. Learn to set aside those childish fears that trembles you, learn how to face reality. You’re old enough so I know deep down that you can handle all things that might come your way. Remember all the things that I’ve told you. Don’t let your dreams fall. I know you’ve been through a lot but crying and staying vulnerable from it isn’t the answer. Have faith in life, have faith in yourself. Have faith in Him :) Stand and be proud, love your family, do everything with 101% percent of your efforts and see the difference. Take Care Arlee and Thank You for everything :D You will always be my ‘HITO’ and I will always be your ‘BISUGO’.
To Mark Joel Lattao,
Hey. How are things with Jason? Ayeeeeeeee. Paano na ako? LOL. I think I can’t be with the group for a long time. No more Red Horse/Colt 45/tequila, no more Starbucks, no more flirting, no more laughter, no more gimmicks, no more disco, no more pictures, no more trips, no more free meal, no more anything with you guys for now :( It maybe a little harsh but what I’m dealing with is even harsher than those. Remember the things I opened to you? Those were just half of my burden I’m carrying right now. Anyway, I don’t want you to get worried. So stay happy! If others hurt you, tell me and I’ll kick their dirty asses! Bwahahaha! Take Care of yourself because I know you really are very sensitive. If you are troubled, sorry if I can’t be there for now so please don’t do anything stupid, okay? I want you to be much happier than you are right now so stop searching for Mr. Right. Love will come knocking at your door someday. I know it! You deserve being safe and loved. So just focus on your study. Maybe one day you’ll become one of the best nurses that existed, right?
To Ronel Victor ‘Papa Zyru’ Baracael,
Sorry for leaving you at Facebook Chat earlier :) How’s your day? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that even we’re waiting for destiny to get us together, (OHA! Destiny daw o) I will always be here for you but not this time. Do well on your *ehem* on Monday! Make sure that that person is the one you really need :D But of course what I really want for you is to tell the person you like that you like him/her. Don’t be afraid of rejection. I know it’s painful but I know you can deal with it! Ikaw pa! And I have some doubts that you’ll be rejected because no one will hate a person like you :) A little advice though, I think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right? Ajejejeje :p Hahaha. Take Care and Thanks for hearing me out the other night.
To Christian Mendoza,
Hello, I still hate you for telling me that I’m discourteous when honestly, you are the one who is discourteous. I will miss the times we talk every midnight about certain stuffs and about you know who :) Move on! You’re nice and sweet so you can another person who really deserves you, okay? Anyway, I’m still irritated because you haven’t been working on your promise until now :( Hahahaha. Please take care and do well on your work!
To Rolando ‘ROLAN’ Diaz,
Hey. We may have known each other a short time but we became really close (I think) I’m looking forward into your promise that you’ll live up with your words until you graduate :D Eat a lot ha :d Remember that something with 85 and with the grad party? I’m also looking forward to that! Sorry if the cutest guy will be removed on your friendslist on facebook but I know that in your mind, only Lennard is going around all day. LOL. Please keep me posted on things when I come back. Keep an eye with the two guys I told you :) Take Care ROLAN! Hahaha. I’ll miss you. Don’t stop making pranks on Gab’s wall, okay?
To James Lawrence Carlo ‘my Guardian Angel’ Lopez,
Hi. I know you’re busy with stuffs about work and the incident that happened back at California. Your busyness with so many stuffs made me sad. You know that you’re all that I have right now so kindly put Lennard on your schedule but I guess you can’t. I understand, but what I’m really scared of right now is that will you be that busy permanently and will I only get the least of your time every day? Even though with I have these doubts, one thing’s for sure. I love you and I only want to be with you :* I just need to talk to you right now because I really feel pampered and happy when talking to you. It makes me forget my heavy headedness. I like everything about you. Yet sometimes I find it unfair, that all along you have a banquet of my insights, my ideas, and my feelings and yet I feel some deprivation in getting into you. Your understanding, that's you're virtue! You understand my imperfections, my flaws (sometimes) you understand my illogical sense of reason, my irrational sense of being. But if there's one thing you fail to realize, it’s that you don't always have to understand everything. If there's anything I could do to be a better person for you and for everyone, you should know I’d do what I can and give up what I can to try and have it done. I really feel special when talking to you, I really feel so happy just by having time for us to talk most especially when I use my humor to ease your exhaustion. Though sometimes they are those things that get in the way of me seeing what’s truly essential and at those times I ask myself, did my efforts pay off? I feel at my best when talking to you but nothing’s changing, nothing is evolving. So please, please give me a taste of your thoughts. I have a lot of things to catch up especially to my family, my brother and to myself and I never shared it to anyone not because that I know I can handle it and how to work things out but because I really don’t want to be the reason why people are sad. I don’t want them to get worried, so most of the time; I keep these burdens to myself and let them eat me. I have met, acquainted and trusted hundreds of people just to search for someone who will really understand everything and anything about me. Someone who’ll take the risk in sacrificing things to make me feel enchanted, someone who’ll make me their First on their schedule, but on my exploration I always fail. No one ever or maybe there are some who had the courage to tell me what’s wrong with me for me to straight things up and for me to improve but now, I think you’re that person. I know something has gotten between us but I want you to be my friend right now. For a very long time I erased ‘I’ in everything I do, but now look at me! I’m this narcissistic guy who loves himself so much because he believes that he never really deserved any of those things and he shouldn't carry all the burdens casted upon his surroundings. On my ‘seek out operation’, I get to know myself more and learned how to face life’s oppression which really helped me to mature and not to look amateur on this thing they call LIFE. I really can’t let it all out here so I tend to miss out on small factors and things which lead into misunderstanding and some things with relation to that. All I’m trying to say that I believe that you’re the one so act with accordance to what you really feel about me. You also said that you’re serious about our stuff so you’re willing to wait. Let me handle with my problems alone then after that we’ll see what happens :D One thing we never really talked about before is what I like about you. Sometimes I ask myself, what are those things that made you ‘The One’? Back then, I didn't know how to answer that question, for I could find no specific reasons why I felt the way I did. It wasn't wrong, that, I knew. I was happy, that too, I knew. I really really like you, that, I felt! But you know, if only during those times you saw yourself through my eyes, maybe we aren’t wondering why right now. You would have had all the courage in the world to do anything and be anyone. But you didn't choose to be just anyone... you chose to be the one I love (hehehehehehehe). No, it wasn't a choice. It was simply kismet working its magic. Well that's how I'd like to call our serendipity. Well, whatever bizarre circumstances it were that brought the two of us together, I was more than grateful for them. From the penetrating stare you brandished to the shivering caused by continuous gust of air puffing down from the air conditioning vent; from the first exchange of smiles until finally garnering enough courage to utter out a word or two. The surprising rush of adrenaline that allowed me to force myself up just after a few hours of sleep to offset hours which I did not know was un-offset-able (I don’t know the right term for this); the long hours of anticipation, hoping to catch you up online; the long talks at Facebook and YM where every question brought infinite possibilities. All of which lead us to the ‘thing’ that started it all and everything just flowed from there. Just like the gust of wind that only goes with the flow of the vent, we too went with the flow of destiny. And little by little i got to know you. Little by little I saw your flaws. But along with every good that I admired, the bad were slowly revealed. Yet despite the revelation of your imperfections, I continued to love you. I would not have said I love you if I only loved what is good - for just as I have accepted every bit good in you, I too have accepted the bad. And though little by little I saw your flaws, little by little I found more and more reasons why I should feel the passion I feel towards you. I love you - you in your entirety - and no amount of flaws could change how much I do. So, why do I love you? Is it because I feel your every word whenever you tell me that you love me? Is it because of the way you never fail to show me my importance? Is it because of your trust in me or because you trust yourself in me? Is it because of your brutal honesty? Is it because you inspire me to be a better person to be worthy of all you've invested in me? Is it because you never allow any misunderstandings to go unresolved? Is it because I've realized so many things because of you? Is it because you've taken me to places I only imagined myself to be? Is it because you always exert effort and find ways to be with me? Is it because you make every day anew? Is it because life has never been static since you came? Is it because you send me messages every opportunity you can? Is it because you love me for me? Is it because I miss you more with every letter I type? Is it because I can be myself whenever I'm with you? Is it because I would want nothing more than to grow old and spend the rest of my life with you? Is it simply because you make me happy? Is it because I could never find the right words to express how I feel towards you just as I can't find the specific reason why I love you the way I do? But wasn't it you who made me feel that love has its reasons... that the reason is "unknown"?
Now time has passed, and once again I ask myself what it is I loved about you. Back then I didn't know how to answer, and I still don’t -- for until now I still cannot find the specific reasons why I love you as much as I do. It isn't wrong. That, I know. We still are very happy. That, too, I know. And there is no need to question what I know, because in reality what is truly important is not what is known but what is felt. And I love you, much more than I ever thought I would. That, I feel. So if you were to ask me now what it is I love about you. The answer is simple: "what is there not to love?" For now! Take Care always my angel. I love you.
I’m sending my regards to these people and sorry for not being a part of this crap. Don’t worry, you guys are still special. To Angelo ‘Papa Javs’ Javillonar, Victor Joseph ‘Parekoy’ Espiritu, James Hicap, John Albert ‘kuyakoy’ Begonia, Francis Ivor Millar and sa lahat! Love you all!
This has been Lennard Ashley Bautista Salaysay now signing off.
